Deepest, Most Desperate Desire of Our Hearts
by DestinyMalzen
Summary: A series about the Mirror of Erised. What are the characters' deepest desires (het, eww, I know. And no, there will be NO SEQUEL)?
1. Reminiscence

## _A/N: A/N: I think (yes, I do think, believe it or not!) a few people have done this sort of fic before. But I also think (twice in one day?!) that this is a little deeper and more original…and certainly longer than the ones I have seen. And I have been working on this for a really long time…so I didn't copy anybody! There are five parts to this, and some will be shorter or longer than others. I will post them with a few days in between, depending on how many reviews I get (*hint hint*). Warning: This series is probably slightly more depressing than you would think. Oh, and also, about my other series, __Neighboring Magic__, I am still writing it! The next chapter is just really hard to write…keep checking back/put me on AuthorAlert._

_ _

Disclaimer: Everyone and everything mentioned belongs to JK AKA the Harry Potter goddess. Except for maybe the Mirror. I want the Mirror! Then I can stare into it all day, looking at my Draco…::Draco looks up from his place in corner of room:: 

_D: What are you talking about? I'm right here! _

_Me: Yes, but in the Mirror, you're wearing leather (kudos to Cassie!)... ::sighs dreamily::_

## _D: ::sighs disgustedly and crawls back into corner::_

## ** **

## **The Deepest, Most Desperate Desire of Our Hearts: Ch. 01**

"Greetings, class," Professor Lupin says, grinning at the group of seventh-years before him. We smile back, a grin to match his.

It is the first day of classes, our last year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And all of us in Gryffindor House are rejoicing- Remus Lupin has returned. He is once again teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. A new Wolfsbane Potion has been produced, more powerful than the former. Only needing drinking once a year, keeping the werewolf mind under control, it is incredibly useful. All parents agreed to Lupin coming back, for we need as many allies against Lord Voldemort as we can have. Even werewolves.

"I am thrilled to be back, everyone. But unfortunately, we must skip over any…celebrations," Lupin smiles here, "and start our lessons immediately." He glances over at a towering object at the back of the room. Everyone swivels around in their seats to look, but to no avail, as it is masked by a dust-covered purple cloth. We look back at our favorite teacher.

"This year I will teach you all to guard yourselves against any kind of threat coming your way, and I must tell you, it will be difficult. For this lesson, I will teach you to resist temptation, and that is one of the hardest things for any human to do." The gears in my mind are spinning wildly, and I think I know what Lupin is about to reveal to us. I start to have a sinking feeling in my stomach. 

He walks to the back of the room. I can sense the difference in him, even more exhaustion than there had been last time we met. He has been battling the Dark Lord, the Enemy, for the past two years. And now, he would teach us how to follow his path for protection. Lupin reaches the grimy cloth, lifts up a hand, and pulls it off with one quick yank. And, for the fourth time in my life, my emerald eyes drift up, taking in the clawed feet, the golden frame, and the inscription on top: _Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi._

"The Mirror of Erised," Lupin says, breaking the silence. My suspicions are confirmed. I sneak a quick look at my best friend, Ron Weasley. His face has gone slightly pale, as he remembers that night. I suddenly spot a hand shoot up into the air.

"Yes, Hermione?" Professor Lupin asks. 

"The Mirror of Erised is the only one of its kind. It shows the true desire of anyone's heart," Hermione answers, a response to an unspoken question. Lupin smiles and nods in acknowledgement.

"Very good! Yes, class, this is the one and only Mirror of Erised. The Mirror of Desire. Looking into it, you can see your true need, your want, your desire. At first look, you may be overjoyed. Seeing exactly what you want…seems perfect, doesn't it?" Lupin explains to us. The others nod, wondering why and how anyone could use this as a weapon. But I know.

"Let's say, you start coming to see the Mirror all the time. What could be better than seeing what you truly want? But then you could start spending all of your time there, gazing at what may not ever be. You could waste away, lost in your fantasy world, no interest in your real life. That is where the danger is." Comprehension dawns on each and every Gryffindor's face, though Ron and I already know. We know, we remember. We remember _our visions._

"One person that I know of here has already looked into this mirror," Lupin continues, his eyes flickering over to me, and then away. "But that person shall remain nameless, and still participate in this exercise." I feel a sudden wash of gratefulness to the man. I don't want to draw attention to myself anymore. After facing Voldemort alone five times now, barely getting out alive, I just want to blend in with the others.

"I want you all to stay in your seats. I will call you up one at a time. I'll give you five minutes each to look in, and then you will go and sit down. And then you will _not come back to the Mirror, today or any other day. We will see who is successful." Pavarti and Lavender exchange nervous looks. Dean seems ready to pop out of his seat. Neville looks ill. I can see that all are worried at what their hearts will tell them. Professor Lupin walks over to his desk, picks up a list, and walks back to the Mirror._

"Lavender Brown!" he calls. Lavender gets up out of her seat, and walks to the Mirror of Erised. She stands right in front of it, fear dancing in her eyes. Suddenly, those eyes widen, and she lets out a small gasp. Collapsing onto her knees, she gazes raptly into the mirror. The whole class stares at her, and I wonder what she sees. Five minutes pass. Lupin comes up behind her, his eyes carefully averted from the glass, and taps her lightly on the shoulder. She doesn't move. He gently takes her arm, and guides her back to her seat. Lavender looks around the room, and seems to come out of her trance. She lunges for the Mirror again, but Lupin sets her back at the desk. She puts her hands over her face and starts crying softly.

"Seamus Finnigan!" Lupin says, while Pavarti gives Lavender a hug. Seamus looks at Lavender, and back at Lupin. He hesitates, but his curiosity gets the better of him, and he walks to the mirror. He looks in, and freezes. Five minutes later, he is also led back to his seat. He just stares straight ahead of him, looking blank.

"Hermione Granger!" Hermione, Ron, and I all glance at each other. She must be scared, but excited to look into the rare Mirror. She brushes back her hair matter-of-factly, and walks over to it. Like Lavender, her eyes widen immensely at whatever she sees. She walks closer to the Mirror, breathing hard. She puts her face right up to it, as if trying to fall in. She whispers unintelligible words, and then falls into silence. Minutes pass, and Lupin walks her back to her seat. She looks at me sadly. I lean over to her.

"Why can't it be real?" she murmurs to me, her brown eyes desperate.

"What did you see, Hermi?" I ask curiously. She just shakes her head, and looks away.

More people get called up to the Mirror of Erised. All come out in shock. Finally….

"Harry Potter!" Lupin calls. I close my eyes for a brief moment, remembering. I don't know if I can see them again, and not come back for more. But I automatically stand up, and walk to the Mirror of Erised. I stand in front of the glass, the glass that reflects your soul.

There they are. Better than the first time, better than the photographs. Right in front of me. I cry out as I see my mother and father, waving furiously, with smiles lighting up their faces. I want to see them everywhere at once. My eyes take them in hungrily. I try to make up for 16 years, lost with those fateful two words. I try to fill up the empty space in my heart that will never disappear. I try to fulfill that place in my soul that begs for unconditional love that you can only get from a parent. I try to show them that their child is successful in life. I try to show them that I love them more than life itself. I try not to cry. I try, but I fail.

The burning tears flood down my face, leaving trails, leaving behind a sign of my pain. I don't care who sees, or what they think. I grip the edges of the mirror, trying to force my family out of fantasy and into reality. There is screaming, loud and horrible screaming inside of my head. I can't think, I can't breathe, I can't move. I just attempt to drive the deep pain out of my heart, but it only goes further in. I know that I will never be rid of that pain as long as I live, and I cry for that. I cry for my parents, dead so young in life. And I cry for myself, for my terrible loss, for that endless grief. But I can't close my eyes, I could never block out the sight of my parents. But for one moment, a moment of choice, a moment of trust between old friends, a moment of a secret, a moment that will last forever, a moment that changed my life, they would still be alive. I would still have them with me. And there would be no more sadness.

I feel a light touch on my shoulder, and realize I'm kneeled on the floor, holding my head. I look up into the hazel eyes of Remus Lupin, which are filled with worry.

"Harry?!" he asked urgently. "Harry, you were screaming. What happened?"

"My parents," I reply numbly, and walk back to my desk.

_A/N: I promised myself I wouldn't make a fool of myself and beg for reviews. *ah well* If you want me to post the rest of this, REVIEW! Your review counts! Thank you, come again._


	2. Drowning Inferiority

# _A/N: You know the deal. Not mine, all hers. Oh, and the italics and underlining messed up last time…hopefully it won't again. Reviewers are thanked profusely at the end. This part is more…chilling, and thought-provoking, then depressing. And a little shorter. Yup yup. Please read part one first, if you haven't already._

_Part One: _http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&storyid=179709

_Quote of the Day: What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the corkscrew to my lunch?!_

# 

# The Deepest, Most Desperate Desire of Our Hearts: Ch. 02

** **

My stomach lurches as Professor Lupin reveals The Mirror of Erised to my eyes. Excitement and terror rise, fresh as when I was in first year. No one knows, but that mirror brought around weeks of uneasy sleeping for me. It revealed feelings that I had hidden deep in my soul. Feelings of jealousy, of envy, and of inadequacy.

I barely hear Lupin telling us what the Mirror is- I already know. For Harry and I, the night of the Mirror is fresh in our minds. Like a cold shard of glass digging into my brain. I glare at the portion of the Mirror I can see.Because of the light shining on it, it seems to smile. My eyes narrow. How dare that Mirror pretend to bring so much happiness and pleasure, when it truly just causes torment in the soul of the viewer? It just forces you to think and think and think about what might have been, if only…

I watch intently as Lavender gets called up to the Mirror. In the back of my head, I idly wonder what she sees. Maybe…me? I can feel my face flush slightly as I think of this possibility. But, no. When she leaves the Mirror, she does not even glance my way. She's never glanced my way.

This brings me to a new idea, as Seamus stares into the Mirror. Maybe I won't see the old image. Maybe I won't see myself being the best among my brothers anymore. I am 17 now, much different than my first year self. Have my priorities changed? Will I see myself defeating He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, or maybe Lavender, whom I've had a crush on for a year now? I find myself getting slightly more curious and excited about the Mirror's prospects.

"Hermione Granger!" I hear Professor Lupin call out. I glance at her tense face. What will she see? Probably herself as Minister of Magic, or some other high-class profession. That is her new ambition, now that she had succeeded in her first, to be Head Girl. I smile a little to myself at her predictability.

But as I watch my best girl friend look into the Mirror, she looks upset, and a little confused.What if she isn't quite as predictable as I think? I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. I am getting too deep into this. She's _Hermione! The Hermione that I dated in fifth year, only to find out that we didn't really love each other. I know everything about her!_

Suddenly, my head snaps up in attention as I hear Harry's name being called. He looks terrified. I don't understand. Why isn't he thrilled to see his parents again? I would be if I was him- but then again, who am I to judge other people's feelings?

Harry looks into the Mirror, his face tense. He blanches, and his mouth opens a little in shock. He just stares for about 30 seconds. Then he starts crying. The great Harry Potter, crying! I start to stand up, to help him, but Lupin motions for me to sit down. The teacher looks like he wants to help Harry himself, but is holding back.

Harry suddenly grabs the edges of the mirror, his eyes huge and shiny behind his glasses. He sinks to his knees, still latched onto the mirror. I feel incredibly worried- what if he is seeing the Dark Lord? But then, that wouldn't be his heart's desire. I wouldn't think that he would be _crying_ for his parents, so what was he seeing? My best friend's face was contorted into one of anguish, pain that I felt I could never comprehend. A few silent minutes passed. The quiet is soon ripped apart by a piercing scream. I shoot up out of my seat, running towards Harry. I have to save him from whatever the evil Mirror is doing to him!

Lupin grabs my arm, and pulls me back. I try to wrench away, but his grip is tight.

"What are you doing? We have to help him!" I hiss to the professor. He looks at me, and I can see he is as scared as I am.

"Ron, I understand how you feel. I want to protect Harry from whatever is happening to him, as well. But he has to deal with this on his own," Lupin replies sadly. Furious, I wrench my arm out of his grasp, but I don't go to Harry. I sit back down.

Another scream is wrenched out of his mouth. This time, Dumbledore comes running in. My attention is averted from Harry for a moment, as I stare at the Headmaster. He opens his mouth to speak, but his eyes catch on Harry staring at the Mirror. He looks sympathetic, nods to Lupin, and leaves.

A few seconds later, Lupin walks cautiously over to Harry. He puts his hand on Harry's shoulder. Harry jerks, and looks up. Lupin whispers something, and Harry says something back. I can't make out the words. My friend stands up, and walks back to his desk beside me. I lean over.

"Harry, what happened back there?" I ask urgently. He just turns and stares at me, his eyes glazed over and riddled with tears. And then he gets up, and walks out of the room. The whole class stares after him. Lupin fumbles around, and finds his list again.

"Dean Thomas!" Dean looks around nervously, but complies and goes to the Mirror…

Five minutes later, I hear my name being called. I bite my lip, and look at Hermione, but her head is still resting on her desk. I force a small smile onto my face, for what, I don't know, and walk to the Mirror. I stand in front of the glass.

The tiny smile leaves my face. There I am, older, twenty or so. My older self stands there, with a cocky grin on his face. He is dressed in bright orange, and words are inscribed on his robes: "Ronald Weasley, Chudley Cannons Captain". My breath catches in my throat, as I see myself holding the Quidditch World Cup trophy triumphantly in my right hand. In my left hand there is a letter, and I angle my head to see what it says. 

_"Dear Mr. Weasley,_

_We just wanted to thank you again, Minister, for ridding the world of Lord Voldemort-" _

I stop reading. I concentrate on a dark shape behind my other self, getting closer. I, like Harry, drop to my knees as I see what it is. Lavender gives Mirror-Ron a kiss, and a flash of gold reflects from her left hand. A wedding ring. My breath quickens. Oh, cruel Mirror! It had combined all of my hopes and dreams, to make one impossible situation which would never come true, yet torture me for years. I feel myself get sucked into the Mirror of Erised's world.

_I am better than all of my brothers. They all worship me, look up to me, see me as their idol, instead of the other way around. The populace loves me as well. I'm better than Harry, for I have defeated Voldemort forever. Better than Harry…better than Hermione…better than my family…perfect…_

_"Perfect Percy," I suddenly hear a voice mutter. I remember someone saying that, long ago. I remember my animosity and resentment towards the subject of perfection._

_"And now, perfect Ron…" I can tell these words have not actually been spoken __in the real world, but they send as much impact._

I snap back to reality as Lupin lays a hand on my arm. I shake my head to clear the fantasy. But I know, deep down, that the wish for perfection and being the best will never be gone from my mind.

_A/N: Oh my! I did NOT expect this many reviews! I love you all!!!MAJOR THANKS and FREE FIREBOLTS go out to: _Star Dust (umm…where's the review?), Harry's Mum Lily (it really made you cry? Aw, thanks!), Cairnsy (thanks for the advice about the Mirror being secret, but remember, these are different times, Voldemort is on the loose, and the kids need all the knowledge they can have. Oh, and I LOVED your Mirror of Erised fic!), MeatLoaf the Happy Donkey (interesting name, thanks for putting me on favorite authors/stories), *hag* & *norbert*, Tonallan (nope, no Draco…only Gryffindors here), Shelley Heartilly, Rosmerta, deviline, snow-angel, PEZ, Lilly Potter, Ash Night (COOL WHIP! Do you want me to send you Hermi's part? I will, my wondieful beta-reader.), PixyChick (you cried too? *looks sheepish*), Jyfae, Adelina, Zing/Milificent Snape, Ally, Blotty-on-a-tissue (Nice e-mail address. *yayfun* And I don't want to have finals either. Human nature…could this series count?), D.S. Moony (what do the initials stand for?), Justin's Future Wife (Jessie fait Marshall…c'est vrai!), sara, Hermionefan (Hermione's the next part!), debra (there are going to be five parts in all), Sarah (She dies???), Tigerlily, and LiLY FLoweRPot. _If I forgot anyone, tell me, and thanks again!!!!!!!_


	3. Love Lost

# _A/N: Do I really have to do this *again*? Nothing belongs to me, except…*fishes in pocket, emerges triumphant* THIS TOOTHPICK! Thanks to the good people who reviewed at the end. Please read Part One and Two first, if you haven't already._

_Part One:_ http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&storyid=179709__

_Part Two_: http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&storyid=184615

_Quote of the Day: "You have stupid hair!"---Spike, Buffy the Vampire Slayer_

# 

# The Deepest, Most Desperate Desire of Our Hearts, Ch. 03

** **

"The Mirror of Erised," our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Lupin, announces, uncovering the magical object. I gasp in shock. The actual Mirror of Erised! Fingering my Head Girl badge, I remember all of the books that have talked about it. _Magical Items of Desire: Love Potions, Lust Dust, and More, __Backwards Clues and Tuom Ehter Ugif Otwoh, __The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts, and slightly mentioned in __Hogwarts: A History. I could feel myself growing more and more excited. The Mirror that was created by Uric the Oddball! And we were getting a chance to look into it! A true learning experience! My hand shoots up, as I yearn to tell everyone about it._

"Yes, Hermione?" Lupin calls on me. 

"The Mirror of Erised is the only one of its kind. It shows the true desire of anyone's heart," I inform everyone quickly. Lupin gives me a smile and proceeds to tell our class how the Mirror can be dangerous. I listen to him in disbelief. None of my books ever said anything about its negative aspects, except that you can waste away in front of it. But Lupin is actually implying that what you _see_ could be traumatizing. What could be in there? 

I try to catch Ron's eye, but he doesn't even notice. He is staring intently as Lavender reaches the Mirror. I feel an ache in my heart when I see his love for her in his wistful expression. I don't feel bad because I love him. I never really did. I feel sad because she loves him too, and he obviously has no idea. Lavender is always talking about his "beautiful, sparkling, sapphire eyes" and his "perfect hair" late at night in the dorms. They're perfect for each other. I make a mental note to myself to tell Ron to invite her to the next dance. Then I feel even worse. I'm always the one setting people up, Harry and Ginny last year, and Ron and Lavender now. _If I can find other people their matches_, I thought sadly to myself, _why can't I find the perfect one for me?_ But deep inside, I know the answer. My heart is taken.

__I watch with growing apprehension as first Lavender, then Seamus, go up to the Mirror. They come out of it with tears and fright, respectively. What Lupin said is true…something in the Mirror damages a soul.

"Hermione Granger!" My hands go cold and clammy, and I hastily wipe them on my black robes, and stand up. I am scared, of course. What is everyone seeing? Some sort of monster, You-Know-Who or otherwise? Yet I'm also terribly excited. So few people ever get this kind of chance! Taking a deep breath, I hold my chin high and stride to the Mirror of Erised.

I choke in shock when I see it. _No…no! Not now, not today,_ I cry to myself in my head, lunging for the Mirror. But of course it's today. November 24. His birthday. Benjamin's birthday.

Benjamin Patrickson, the boy who I had gone to school with since kindergarten. The boy who I had formed a crush on at age ten, my first love and my only love. The boy who I had to abandon for my magic. 

~*~

I never really knew him that well. I didn't really know anyone that well in grade school. I was ostracized because of my obsession with reading, teased and ridiculed every day. At first I would come home crying. Eventually, though, I became hardened against it, until I could almost completely tune out their jeers. Almost.

But there was one day, in fifth grade. I was having the most horrid day. My father had yelled at me for some reason or another, I left my meticulously done homework at my house, and I had gotten an A minus on my science test. And then something else happened. I remember it like it was yesterday…

_I stuffed my things roughly into my bag, eager to get home and have the day be over. Saying a quick good-bye to my teacher, I ran out the door. I kept my eyes fastened on my feet, not wanting to see their leering faces._

_Suddenly, I felt a pair of hands on my back. I tried to squirm away, but the hands had already pushed and done their damage. I tumbled onto the concrete, my bag flying. Spiteful laughter rang in my ears. And as I lay there, sprawled at the feet of the person who had made me fall, I realized that I couldn't take this cruelness any longer. And so, I started to cry._

_The sniggering grew louder, and my face grew hot with shame. I blindly tried to gather my books together, tried to ignore the insults that slapped at me. And then, I felt a packet of my papers being thrust into my hand. My head snapped up, but I couldn't see who it was due to the haze of tears. The blurry image stood up._

_"What are you doing?" the voice of the blur cried. "Why are you being so mean? What did Hermione ever do to you?!" I rubbed at my eyes frantically, and finally everything cleared. It was a boy with sandy colored hair and green eyes named Benjamin, one of the most popular children in our class. And he was standing up for me!_

_Ben stooped down and held out his hand to me. Shaking, and wondering if this was all a plot to hurt me more, I took it. He helped me up, and put a skinny arm around my shoulder. He glared at the crowd that had assembled, fury twisting his features. Slowly, with bewildered expressions, they dispersed. Once they were all gone, he looked at me._

_"Are you okay?" Ben asked anxiously. And, looking at his face filled with worry, I fell in love._

__He walked me home that day, and the next morning, he was there to walk me to school. And from then on, we became steadfast friends.

We laughed together, played together, talked together, made our parents yell about the phone bills together. We became inseparable, and on the last day of that school year, he kissed me.

The next month, I think, was the happiest of my life. Our parents said that it was puppy love; nothing would ever come of it. We were only eleven; we had so much life ahead of us, etcetera, etcetera. But both of us knew that what we had was real. I never felt as free and confident as when I was with him.

And then I got my letter.

_"So?" Ben looked at me expectantly. "You said you wanted to tell me something?"_

_I looked at him sadly. We were sitting on a bench in the middle of our local park. The sun was shining, the babbling brook beside us was sparkling, and my heart was breaking._

_"Ben…" I said slowly, trying to figure out how to say it so he wouldn't be too upset. "I'm not going to Crotire." Crotire was the school nearby, which basically everyone from our primary school was going to go to the following year. Shock spread over my boyfriend's face._

_"What do you mean? Of course you're going!" His voice broke. "You have to!" I shook my head, and he continued, "Where are you going?" The shards of my broken heart scattered into the wind._

_"I'm going to…to Veriscroft." Hogwarts, actually. Not that I could tell him that. "In London." Ben gasped._

_"In London? That's so far away from here! But…" desperation crept into his voice, "We'll still see each other on the weekends and all, right?" I bit my lip._

_"No. It's a boarding school," I said quickly, eager to get this confrontation over with. He froze, gazing at me. I fidgeted uncomfortably under his blatant stare. Finally, he spoke._

_"You'll forget me. You'll find new friends, you'll find a new fellow," the earlier pleading had left his voice, to be replaced by a bitter tone I had never heard before, "and you'll forget all about me." Horror filled my soul. This was not the reaction I had been expecting, not at all._

_"Of course I won't forget about you! I'll write you, every day-" He stood up, and I stopped talking._

_"Why are you doing this to me? Is it to hurt me? Is it because you want to see me break down and became a nervous wreck? Well, Hermione Granger, I'm not going to let you have that power over me. I'm leaving." And he walked away. I stared after him. And then I ended our relationship how it had begun. I cried._

I tried, God knows I tried, for the rest of that summer, to try and see him. But he was never home. His parents never told me where he was. He never answered the phone. I finally left my little town to go to Hogwarts. And I did meet new friends. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, the most wonderful friends I could have. But I never did forget about the most wonderful boyfriend I could have.

When I came home for that Christmas vacation, I immediately went over to his house. I resolved to throw the daft rules about witch-Muggle relations out the window, and tell him everything. But he wasn't at his house. A young American couple resided there, and when I asked them where the Patricksons had moved to, they said they had no idea. I anxiously ran around the whole neighborhood, asking where the family had gone. And no one had any idea. They had vanished without a trace. And I never saw Benjamin Patrickson again.

~*~

Except for now. Now I'm seeing him, now I'm seeing him in the Mirror. He is basically unchanged, only taller. Oh, and one more difference. He is in wizarding robes.

I recognize the setting instantly. The Great Hall. But it is set up differently, no tables, only rows and rows of chairs filled with people. The ceiling is a marvelous blue, "cloud" wisps scattered throughout. There is a large stage with a podium where the professors' table had been before.

Ben is standing there, with his arm around me. Me, looking a few months older than I am now. And both of us in wizard graduation robes, proudly holding diplomas high in the air.

And that is the whole image. Nothing's moving, no one's talking. Just me and him, graduating from Hogwarts together. That's it. And it's so much.

My heart wrenches as it remembers long-lost love. It remembers a sweet kiss never to be felt again. It remembers childish freedom and innocence. It remembers Ben.

"Ben," I whisper into the Mirror. And at that moment, I know deep down that I will never really love that way again. Sure, maybe I'll fall in love again someday and get married. But Ben is my soul mate. No person has two soul mates, just as no person has two souls.

A solitary tear rolls down my face. Just one salty tear, no others accompanying it, to help guide it along my cheek. And I, just a solitary girl, without anyone I love to accompany and guide me through life, remember.

A/N: Major thanks and huge schnoogles go out to: PixyChick, Rosmerta, magical *little* me, PEZ (sorry, I don't think I'm going to be doing Dumbledore. But maybe if I write a sequel series…), Adelina, Hermione L. Granger, Ayleeandra, Jabroniette, Carneluine, Sarah, Marshall, Blotty-on-a-tissue, Harry's Mum Lily, Nell-chan, Ash Night, erendis, Justin's Future Wife, Alex, dani, unknown sorcerer (do I know you? If not…how do you know my name?), and Ally (I'm on your favorite stories list?? Thank you!!!!).


	4. Insanity's Ruin

# _A/N: Only one more chapter after this one! Nothing belongs to me, though I wish it did. Ohhh, how I would love to carry around the Harry Potter characters in my pocket…if you need reassurance of your existence as a wonderful reviewer, thanks are at the end._

_Part One: _http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&storyid=179709__

_Part Two:_ http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&storyid=184615_ _

_Part Three:_ http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&storyid=189219

_Quote of the Day: "The spoken word lacks the authority of the written word."---Good Magician Humfrey, Question Quest_

# The Deepest, Most Desperate Desire of Our Hearts, Ch. 04

** **

My eyes widen as Professor Lupin unveils the Mirror of Erised. Reflecting sunlight makes the golden frame wink and twinkle. I give a half-smile, uncertain of what the properties of the Mirror actually are. Most people in the Defense Against the Dark Arts class are either nervous or excited. I start to grow eager to see what the magical object has in store for me. 

I'm not nervous about most things, anymore. Ever since my parents passed away in 6th year, my Gryffindor qualities have started to emerge. The bravery that the Sorting Hat saw deep inside me rose up and guided me through the hardest time of my life. No one else could, since no one else knew except for the faculty. And the teachers knew that I wouldn't accept anyone's help, so they didn't try. I am respected more- I hold my head higher these days. I do it for my parents. No more Nervous Neville.

I remember the day in fourth year so well. The day the pain settled back into my mind, from where I had tried to push it away for so long.

~*~

_I hurried to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, tripping once or twice, but getting there on time. I settled into a chair, a few seats behind and to the left of Hermione Granger. As Professor Moody walked in, I was hit with a small blast of fright at his appearance. But I calmed down, reminding myself that this man was an Auror, just like…just like my father._

_Moody began talking about our lesson for the day. My attention started to wander, but snapped back when I heard Moody mention curses.And I suddenly realized what was coming. Moody asked us the names of the three Unforgivable Curses. Ron Weasley raised his hand. For a heart-stopping moment, I thought he would say…but, no. He mentioned the Imperius Curse. I stared at Moody as he performed this curse on a spider. Realization dawned on me, along with horror…I realized what would happen to the next spider._

_And I knew that I could be the only one to say it. Something in me forced my hand into the air, straining to raise it higher than Hermione's. I truly don't know why I had to say it. It just seemed right._

_Moody's magical eye rested on me. He asked. I answered. I answered as best as I could._

_"There's one- the Cruciatus Curse," I had said. I had to try hard to keep my voice from shaking. Moody's eye examined the register, and he asked me if my name was Longbottom. My breath caught in my throat as I nodded timidly. Would he tell? Would this professor tell the whole class my terrible secret, the one I have been keeping for so long? But Moody turned away, towards the spider, and I relaxed a tiny bit. But as he took the spider out, I grew incredibly tense again._

_Moody made the spider bigger. He just had to,__ I thought bitterly. Just so I could see exactly what happened._

_He pointed his wand, and whispered the word that had changed my life forever._

_"Crucio!"_

_And then I saw it. I saw, as if I had been there, my poor parents being tortured. Screaming, twitching, and jerking as the scene played before my eyes. I clutched my desk as the terror overwhelmed me, as if the desk could pull me out of the gruesome memory._

_"Stop it!" I heard a female voice say somewhere…it sounded so far away. But as reality pulled me back into its grip, I bent my head, trying to protect myself from the stares._

_I didn't even pay attention for the Killing Curse…or anything, for the rest of the lesson. The scene that I saw so clearly in my mind's eye, tormenting me, playing out again and again…and over and over…the screaming…oh, the screaming…_

_My body seemed to be functioning without me, taking notes, leaving the classroom. I slowly tottered out, then stopped. I didn't care. I just stared into a memory, my parents, and their last moments of sanity._

_I vaguely remember talking to Ron, Harry, and Hermione…talking to Moody…everything went by in a blur. But as I lay in bed that night, one word kept repeating itself over and over in my mind…_

_Crucio._

~*~

"Neville Longbottom!" I hear my name called. I burst out of my reverie, and my heart starts to thud in my chest. What will I see? Just what could I want more than anything in the world? I look around at the others in my class, my light eyes lingering on the people who have already come and gone from the Mirror. They stare blankly or mutter. Their movements have a strange effect on me. Nausea starts to spin throughout my body. I know that I have seen those actions before. But my thoughts about my parents vanish as I stand up and walk toward the speculum. I face the Mirror, arms akimbo.

I stumble backwards when I see what, or who, is in the Mirror for me. My hands start to tremble, and the world around me seems to blur and fade out. I am seeing my fantasy. The one I still dream about every night.

A huge field spreads out before me, green and lush. The sun's radiance echoes throughout the whole meadow, with only a few wispy clouds decorating the sky. Woods stand in the distance, but friendlier than the Forbidden Forest. The wind sweeps around the whole scene. Peals of laughter ring out. I feel an icy hand clutch my heart as I see who it is.

A scene from my childhood, one of my earliest memories, one of the only ones with my parents. Except, instead of being the age I actually was in my memory, in the Mirror, I am 17. I am lying on the meadow, the tall grass almost covering me completely. A woman, with long chestnut colored hair, leans over the Mirror-me, gently tickling my chest. My mother. Behind her, looking on his wife and son with love and admiration, sat a man with deep blue eyes. Frank, my father. The Mirror-Neville suddenly sits up, and leans back into my mom's lap. She smiles and gently puts her arms around her son. Mirror-Neville starts eagerly talking to my father, and he responds with a huge grin. They all laugh. Together.

The real me is overcome with rage and jealousy. How dare that imposter, that identical me, invade on my most treasured memory? And why should _he get to have alive and sane parents? I deserve them, I've gone through thirteen years without them, while he obviously has had them to himself his whole life! I need them more than he does, I need them to keep me from going insane from lack of love. No one has ever really loved me since the Day, as I call it. My life's Day of Judgement. The Day my parents went mad. Gran likes me enough, but she is always annoyed with me, I can tell. And Great Uncle Algie? How many people who really love you push you off the end of the Blackpool pier? I have never even had a girlfriend. Ginny Weasley went with me to Yule Ball in fourth and fifth year, but only because neither of us had dates otherwise. No one has ever truly loved me despite my clumsiness, despite my history, and just for who I am. How dare the boy who lives in the Mirror get love and I don't?_

The anger suddenly vanishes, only to be replaced with a new feeling. Desperation. I need my parents. I need love, or I will end up just like they did. I need it. _I need it. I let out a small cry and dive for the Mirror. I rake my fingers across it, trying to pry out my mother and father, trying to make my life perfect, trying to find acceptance and love. _

I claw at the Mirror-Neville's face, trying frantically to replace him with me. He is just a copy, a mirror image of me. I am the real one, with feelings and needs. I need my parents more than anything. I need them more than life itself. I raise my hand to smash the Mirror, let my parents out of their prison inside it, when Professor Lupin catches my fist.

I jerk back to reality, my heart pounding. My breath comes in quick gasps, and I am shaking violently as I make my way back to my seat. My parents will never come back to me. I will never find love. I am gone from that world.

_A/N: Major thanks and bunches of Slinkies (Slinkies RULE!) go out to: Sarah (Ben isn't a jerk! He's just…misunderstood. *grin* And don't try to argue with me, he's my character!), HGW, magical*little*me (Amazing? Really? Thank you so much, you almighty…you. I love your fics.), ……(I hereby name you "Ellipses-Man!" If you're not a man, you should have specified that by giving a name.), KittyAngel & StarFig, Justin's Future Wife, Giesbrecht, dani (long review! I love long reviews!), PEZ, Rosmerta (Yay! I made another favorites list!), Dolores, Ash Night, PixyChick, and You-Don't-Know-Who. Thank you and please review!_


	5. Chances Gone

# _A/N: It's the last chapter! The conclusion! I've finished my first series! I'm so PROUD! And, for the last time, so no one sues me for the nothing that I have tons of, everything goes to the omniscient and omnipotent Joanne Rowling. The last version of thank you's are at the end (by the way…there were a depressing amount of reviews. This is the last chapter…please?)._

_Quote of the Day: "Where is he? Where's the creep that turned me into a spider eating man bitch?"_---Xander, BVS

# _ _

# The Deepest, Most Desperate Desire of Our Hearts, Ch. 05

I slowly stand up from my desk, yawning. I take a quick look outside, and see only darkness. I have been grading papers since the Gryffindors, my last class, left. I felt ashamed of the torture and the pain I had put them through, but Dumbledore thinks it is the right thing. When he originally told me about his idea, I thought it would be fun. A light-hearted class. Everyone seeing their deepest desire, pleased to see what they really wanted. After seeing four classes of children crying and screaming, I think my heart is scarred for life. I have only peeked into the Mirror of Erised once, in my fifth year, on one of the Marauders' nightly escapades. But back then, what I saw was still a possibility. A "possibility" that never did, and never will, become real.

Taking another look outside, I see the almost full moon. I make a mental note to take the Wolfsbane Potion, before I realize I don't have to take it for ten more months. I shake my head with a slight smile on my face. These advances are getting too much for me.

I gather up all my books, papers, and such, and pile them into my bag. A stray bottle of ink rolls across the floor. I follow it, picking up speed as it does, lunging after it. _Why did I buy Independent Ink? I think to myself, sighing. The midnight blue bottle suddenly stops. I dive forward and catch it before it can move off again. Right where it had stopped, a golden-clawed foot catches my eye. Looking up, I see the gilded back of the Mirror. Dropping the bottle of ink, I stare at it for a moment, remembering…._

Coming back to my senses, I walk over to the opposite corner of the classroom and drag the heavy mauve cloth over to the Mirror. I squint, trying not to look in. No one would be there to drag me away if I got caught in its trap. Hoisting up the purple cover onto my shoulder, I prepare to throw it over the Mirror. But as I take a step, ready to throw it, I step on the rolling ink bottle. I fall, the musty cloth flying off my shoulder. My eyes widen in shock, and I see a glimpse of the Mirror's surface. A flash of red, that's it. But it's enough. I close my eyes tightly, trying to defend myself from the siren song. I can tell it will be the same image I had seen so many years ago. But nothing will protect me. My eyes pry open, as if having a will of their own…

There she is, standing a distance away. A smile lights up her beautiful face, her bright emerald eyes sparkling with joy. Her tumbling dark red hair contrasts wonderfully with her alabaster skin. She wears a bridal dress, white sequins and ivory lace everywhere. She is gorgeous. She is Lily.

My heart pounds violently in my chest. I see myself, a Mirror image of myself, in a tuxedo, standing nervously at an altar. Sirius and James stand to my left, Dumbledore to my right. As if in slow motion, the flower girl, ring boy, and bridesmaids walk down the aisle. And suddenly, there is Lily, her hand on the arm of her father, who is smiling proudly. They gracefully walk down the aisle. She is a breathtaking sight, stunning and lovely. She reaches the altar, squeezes Mirror-Remus' hand affectionately, and they both turn toward Dumbledore. After eternal minutes, I see Albus' mouth form the words, "You may kiss the bride." Mirror-Remus and Lily turn toward each other, and their lips softly meet. Back in the real world, I scream.

I remember that day in reality all too well. The marriage of Lily Evans and James Potter. My love and my best friend.

~*~

_"Moony, I have to tell you, I'm really nervous right now," James said to me quietly as he adjusted his tux in the back room. I slapped him playfully on the back, all the while feeling utterly nauseous inside._

_"Come on, Prongs. It's just the pre-wedding jitters. You and Lily are perfect for each other!" I reassured him.No, no, that's not right…Lily and __I are perfect for each other__, I thought to myself.James smiled and took a deep breath. _

_"You're right-" he began, when Sirius burst into the room. He held up a long strip of red cloth._

_"Hey, where do you want these to go?" he said mischievously. I looked at them closely._

_"Are those…Bouncing Banners?" I asked him. He nodded sheepishly, acknowledging the banners he held were the ones that constantly dropped bouncing, springy balls on whoever was below them. James turned on him angrily._

_"Padfoot, you know __that this is a Muggle wedding! Lily's family is here!" he hissed. "I don't want to have to do Memory Charms on all of them!" Sirius shrunk back._

_"Sorry, Prongsy boy, sorry! It was just a joke…never will happen again, I promise," Sirius said quickly.James sank down into a nearby chair, putting his head in his hands._

_"No, Sirius, I'm sorry. I know you were just kidding. I'm just so scared. What if she doesn't show up? Or says, 'I don't' at the altar? What am I going to do then?" Sirius grinned._

_"Then? Then you'll bugger off and Lily will be mine," he replied merrily. My stomach clenched. That's exactly what I had been thinking, except that it wasn't a joke for me. "C'mon, you bloody git, if Lily loved you any more, you two would be arrested for public indecency!" James laughed, and stood up._

_"You're right, both of you," he said. Then he froze and blinked. "Where's Peter?" I looked out the window._

_"He just got here. He said he might not arrive early because of that meeting he had, remember?" James nodded his agreement, and the three of us went out the door. _

_A half an hour later, we were at the altar. The music started up, and the flower girl and ring boy walked jauntily down the aisle. Following them came the bridesmaids, Lily's sister Petunia, with a sour look on her face, Samantha Colbyand Christina Longbottom (Lily's friends from Hogwarts), and McGonagall. Us four Marauders almost burst out laughing at the sight of her in a dress, and a pink one at that. She made a small face at us as she reached the altar._

_I suddenly saw James break out into a sweat, and he gasped. Everyone in the Muggle church turned around. There was Lily._

_I desperately wanted to jump off the altar, run to her, take her in my arms, and kiss her right then and there.But of course I couldn't. I would never be able to satisfy the love I had felt for her since we met on the train in first year. She was for James, now. I had missed my chance._

_Dumbledore, as the priest, began the ceremony. About halfway through, Severus Snape slipped into the room with a grim look on his face. Yes, James and Lily had decided to invite him, and he had decided to come. I knew why. I was the one who caught him writing a love letter to Lily at the end of seventh year. He made me promise not to tell, and I said I wouldn't tell as long as he kept my__ secret confidential. I wouldn't ever tell, though. I understood how he felt._

_"You may kiss the bride." James turned to Lily, and carefully slid an emerald ring onto her finger, an emerald that matched her green eyes. Green eyes that were filled with joyful tears. They kissed, a kiss so sweet and full of love, full of expectations for the future. Sirius started bawling hysterically, Peter clapped stupidly, Snape sneered and left the room, and I almost threw up._

_Three years later, Lily Potter died. My heart died with her._

~*~

A hand touches my shoulder and brings me back into the present. I am reminded of myself doing the same to Harry earlier. Harry, who saw James and Lily in the Mirror for himself, and wants them back just as much as I do. I feel a sudden kinship with him.

I look into the friendly blue eyes of Albus Dumbledore. He smiles gently and pats me on the shoulder.

"Remus, it is not a good thing to dwell on the past. What happened, happened. It was meant to be. Nothing you could have done would have ever changed it. This Mirror shows the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts. Sometimes our hearts can be foolish…and sometimes they can be the truest things in the world, the only things we can depend on. Remus Lupin, it is up to you to decide which one it is for you.I understand, believe it or not. I do understand what you're going through, a love lost to another. You have to move on. I'm sure you can do it," Dumbledore tells me softly. He pats my shoulder again, and leaves the room.

I sit on the floor there for a while, my back to the Mirror, just thinking. I finally come to my conclusion. I stand up, and drape the purple cover for the Mirror over to it. Once again, I hoist it up on my shoulder. Bending my knees, I heave it upwards.

The cloth falls gently down, covering the Mirror of Erised, and finally putting my past to rest.

**_~*~FINITE INCANTATEM~*~_**

_A/N: MAJOR thanks and a big ol' jar of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans go to: Ally, Justin's Future Wife, Rosmerta, alex, Kia, and dani. _

_ _

Pleeeeeeeease read this important author's note! I have many things to say. First of all, I want to thank everyone who has reviewed. I love you all!!! This is my first series, and I actually finished it. And I got reviews! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Second of all, a lot of people have written in their reviews that they would like to know what Draco, Dumbledore, Sirius, etc. would see. If I get enough reviews for this section with enough people saying they want it, I'll write a sequel series with some other theme (this one was Gryffindor people, if you didn't realize that). But if I _do_ decide to do another series, it will be a few weeks (maybe a month, a little more) until it comes out, because I like to write the whole series before posting any parts. I guess you'll just have to put me on AuthorAlert to see when it is coming out. *hint hint, wink wink* I think that's all. Thanks again, everyone! JJJ


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